''Oh dear!I really wanted to know what it looks like inside,''John moaned.
Meanwhile,Ben was thinking aloud."Hmm...I want to know too.What do we do?''For a few minutes,there was silence in the cellar.Mary looked around,and from a corner of her eyes,she spotted a wire on the floor.
"Hey!I got an idea!Let us use this wire to pick the lock!"Mary suggested,holding up the wire.
"Is it alright?As in,this is someone's property.John explained."This is wrong.We might be accused of trespassing."
"It would be just be a few minutes or so.It would not take long.Just a little peek..."Ben pleaded.
"Alright.Mary,pick the lock,"John said excitedly."Turn off the flash light ,Ben."
The door creaked open,leading into a room with absolute darkness.It was as if we were closing our eyes.No much difference.
Just as if we were wondering what to do,"Woosh!"A door infront of us opened,showing a bright room.Instinctively,we walked towards it.
It was fascinating!It was marvellous!There were silk carpets on the floor,comfortable arm chairs,beautiful paintings on the wall,and the room was clean.there were also chandeliers.This owner must be pretty rich!We were taking in the sight.How we wished we could live here!After a moment,Mary reminded us,"Hey,I think we should go now.Let's head back."
We dragged our feet and walked into the dark room.However,the room was not dark anymore.In the room,there were two oped doors.
''Huh?Where should we go?I thought there was only one door..."Ben's voice trailed off.
Suddenly,we heard the sound "clank!"coming from a place,followed by a low growl.John thought aloud,"Hmm...That sounds like a cage door opening.This place is inhabited!"We turned around.There was nothing.
"Grr...Growl!Grr...Growl!"
"What was that?I think we better run!"Mary screamed.
With that,the trio ran straight. Other then their own panting,they could hear some footsteps approaching them.They ran until they reached the cellar.
However,the noise was still there."Grr..."
"Quick!On the flashlight Ben !"John said.
The light shone on the mysterious thing.There was a bear and Aunt Mabel!
She said,"Kill them!"
We were astonished. The bear had black hair and its eyes were red with fury."Grr...Growl!"The black bear chased the trio aroung the cellar.The situation was extremely tense.
"Ouch!"Ben fell down witha thud.The bear rushed towards Ben,ready to give it a bite.
"No!"screamed John and Mary."Ben!Watch out!
It was useless.The bear rushed forward and gave Ben a bite.Blood rushed out of Ben's gaping wound. Big droplets of tears dropped from Mary' eyes.
John took a wine bottle and smashed it.Using the broken wine bottle,John bravely smashed it on the beast's head.
"Growl!Grr!Growl!Grr!"The frantic bear ran around,and finally collasped.
"Ben!Ben!Are you alright?Let me see the wound,"Mary said as she hurried towards Ben.
Seeind the wound,Mary looked around,and her eyes fell on a cloth in the barrel and a tap.She ran towards the cloth,ripped it,on the tap,and wet the cloth.Next,she used the wet clothto clean Ben's wound.Thirdly,she used the dry cloth to bandage Ben's injury.
After a few minutes,Mary heaved a sigh of relieve."Ben is fine now.Aunt Mabel,what are you doing?" We gasped at her."What are you doing here?How did you get here?When did you..."The children burried us under an avalance of questions.
Aunt Mabel looked sternly at us,then she seemed to change her mind."Sit down children.I will explained everything."
Aunt Mable started,"Ever since you came,i spent a lot on your daily needs.I was also ggod friends with the next door neighboor,aunty Sharon,the owner of this house.Before she passed away,she told me the secrets of her house.While,i was afraid that you would find out the secret-a bear in the house, so,i decided to kill you with the bear pretending it was an accident to protect the secret.I spent alot of time with aunt Sharon and the bear,so the bear treats me as its owner and follow my commands.I fed and took care of it,so it is still well and healthy.It was my only friend here.However i did not expect you to kill it."
Aunt Mabel wept after that.
Ben said,"Aunt Mabel!We wanted to help you!We will gather cockles on the beach,sell them,and help you earn some money!"
Aunt Mabel was taken aback."Do you mean it?"
We nodded our heads.
Aunt Mabel dried her tears and replied,"Well,i think you can stay."
"Hurray!"we shouted and gave her a big hug.
Your story plot somewhat didn't make sense.
ReplyDeletea) You mentioned walking around the house and all of you felt awed. As a reader, I was dying to read your description of what you saw but you denied me of that. Perhaps you should read JM's story, he did remember to describe the setting so that readers could visualise with the characters and feel with them.
b) A bear in the house, not being tied up. That is a bit ridiculous. You mentioned that Aunt sharon died so how long has the bear been running around the house. Who took care of it? Even the last part on Aunt Mabel explaining the situation did not make it anymore logical.
"While,i was afraid that you would find out the secret-a bear in the house, so,i decided to kill you with the bear pretending it was an accident.However i did not expect you to kill it."
What do you mean that Aunt Mabel decided to kill the children? How could Aunt Mabel have the power to manipulate the bear??
There are many grammar and spelling errors here and there. But the plot needs a little fixing. Perhaps you can gather opinions from other people.